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Klaus' Top 25 Tips to Get the Girl



Over a thousand years, one picks up certain skills, yes my good looks are inherited, my charm is natural, but much of my technique when it comes to wooing women is learned. So if I, a stubborn brute, can at age 1000+ learn how to put in some effort to get the only woman that I truly want, you lazy ingrates can do it too.

This is my guide on how to go from this:

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to this:

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1. Do something drastic to get her attention, the commoners call this peacocking. I like to teeter on the edge between life and death, but for measly humans like you, you could try ‘bumping into her’ or getting a friend to leave out a foot so that she might trip and then you could help her up and thus introduce yourself (I would not recommend doing this on cement or she might die).

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2. If she is hurt by your actions make sure that you stay to take care of her, nobody likes a coward:

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3. If you want to get to know her without putting too much pressure on her, invite her to a family function on the premise of not wanting to go alone, buy her a dress and make her feel special: 

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4. Make sure to compliment her, genuinely, if she’s beautiful tell her so, especially if she isn’t the type to notice it about herself

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5. Dance with her. This courteous activity has for centuries been a seduction technique, and is still prevalent in modern times. Lead her, hold her close, and always make sure to look her in the eyes.

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6. Get to know her, ask her questions about her life and in turn share information about your passions and interests

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7. Be there to protect her from outside threats

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8. Open her eyes to the wonders of the world, to all that she is capable of, show her that you believe in her.

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9. Never let anyone hurt her.

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10. Getting her to go on a date with you might prove to be difficult, especially if you have previously threatened her life, or killed some of her fellow townsfolk, you know ordinary things, so I would like to suggest a little coercion or manipulation. Find out what she wants and then trade it for a date, or perhaps remind her of reasons that a date with you might be beneficial.

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11. If you manage to get her to agree to go on a date with you, pull out all the stops – wear your best suit, do your research – find out what she likes, what her interests are, steal paperwork if it requires you to know more about her, and do whatever you can to make sure that she’s comfortable in your presence even if you have to tell her personal stories about yourself to get her to trust or feel affection for you.

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12. When you mess up, which you will, make sure to shed some tears, although you don’t deserve her forgiveness, showing some shame and guilt might soften her to your cause.

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13. Don’t be afraid of grand declarations of love, always let her know where she stands with you.

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14. If you ever feel out of your element, don’t be afraid to ask someone with similar experience for help.

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[Sidenote: If she fails to reciprocate your feelings at your pace, do not have sex with a random without protection, 100% not recommended – Klaus disapproved]


15. Eye sex – it’s one of your best weapons – use it

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16. Reach out to her if you need help, showing her that you trust her.

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17. Sometimes the most important gesture is to give her what she wants even if it hurts your chances of being with her.

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18. Remember to honor what’s important to her even if it seems insignificant to you, and whenever she asks you for help, indulge her

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19. Let her know when she’s on your mind, remind that even when you’re far away you are still thinking of her.

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20. Find something you both like doing, or something which happens often when you are together and refer to it as your ‘thing’, this will give you an excuse to see each other, and will start developing the two of you as a ‘we’ in her mind.

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21. You may choose to gift her with something expensive such as diamonds or clothing but that might not always go down well with her (believe me I know), you best option will be to go with something sentimental and original such as a drawing, song etc

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22. Be willing to dig graves for her – literally and figuratively. Whilst your woman is independent, if there are tasks that she needs help with or she feels she can’t deal with, you need to willing to do the dirty work.

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23. Be her friend. Friendships are too few in the modern age, and perhaps she might not be ready to enter into a relationship with you but she might be willing to try out a friendship with you first. Grab onto this, take whatever she is willing to offer.

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24. Always let her make the final decision. Sometimes it’s difficult for control freaks like myself to wait on others to prompt the situation, but with the woman you desire you must always have patience, and allow her to control the pace of your relationship, you are lucky that she’s willing to give you a chance.

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25. Give it to her hard – basically. If you get a chance to connect with your lady in the most intimate way possible, don’t hold back, show her exactly what she’s been missing. And don’t only aim for one time – make sure her clothes are ruined, if you started making love in the morning, make sure she goes home at night, you catch my drift?

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So there, I have done my community service for this lifetime and provided you miscreants with my much desired wisdom when it comes to wooing a woman. Don’t mess it up.




Written by Caryn. Find her on Tumblr and Twitter

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